This is my 100th post for 2nd Middle Age, started in January 2020. I am visiting my first grandchild in August 2026, more grateful than ever for this special time.
2nd Middle Age didn’t exist for most of our grandparents – an opportunity for two or more decades of good health in our 60s, 70s and even 80s – when we (mostly) have raised our own children and have the opportunity to enjoy the next generation. My own parents both lived into their late 80’s, enjoying their later years though facing serious health issues that affected their mobility and daily life together.
My Dad in particular was the kind of guy whose childhood friends were his friends for life. A few had been more financially successful, with multiple homes in different locations, and a jet-setting lifestyle. Some carried out extramarital affairs, divorced, remarried, etc. My Dad never envied his friends’ material wealth. Instead he confided in me that he felt sorry for his close friends who lacked the decades of closeness that he had with my Mom.
My Dad understood and appreciated that depth of his relationship with my Mom based on the years that they had been together and everything that they had experienced – good and bad. They built a singular intimate bond together over the decades. I observed their devotion play out in their daily lives. My Dad, a retired surgeon, had dedicated himself to supporting Mom’s recovery from a serious health threat and they truly enjoyed every day together. It was a joy to witness their enduring love and their mutual contentment over the last decade of their lives.
2nd Middle Age is a time to reflect on the things that really matter in life, to think about the choices we make every day with the benefit of all of our life experiences.
My parents were married for more than 63 years; my husband and I are now embarking on year 38. While of course I heard his words and understood the meaning, recently I have been able to experience this in my own marriage.
After nearly 4 decades there is a shared language, an awareness that transcends time and space. For better and for worse we know each other.
Our cumulative shared experiences over the years are the stories of our life, indivisible from our pair bond.
We no longer look like newlyweds, but we laugh more and have a better perspective on the distance we have traveled together and the path ahead.
Now I understand more deeply my father’s perspective on the importance of a lifetime of shared experiences for real intimacy. Similarly I feel profound sadness for longtime friends who have prized novel or exotic relationships and life experiences over monogamy, and who may never have the same experience of true intimacy and joy from partnership with someone who has knows and loves you deeply, completely, with all your flaws and foibles.
Age Gap relationships may make it harder to experience this long-term intimacy. We often think of the older man/younger woman – or the other way around – as the senior partner gaining from the youth, beauty, and social capital of the younger.
Part of the attraction of the new is opportunity for reinvention; still so much is lost when your partner knows only the now of you. Both partners may miss out in terms of the depth of emotion and intimacy that comes naturally through decades of life experience with a single partner who shares your history,
Understanding the bonus period of 2nd Middle Age, we only have one life to live and it is not a drill. This is all we get.
For anyone reading about this at a younger age, I hope you get to experience a life-long intimate relationship with one person who really knows you, for better and for worse.
My unsolicited advice: find your special person and give it time.