We can be our own harshest self-critics. And we assume (erroneously) that others share our negative thoughts and self-judgments. An epiphany dating back to my Southfield High School days helped free me from this damaging assumption. It also helped me ignore false judgments of others.
I was just an insecure 16 year old, uncertain about everything from my appearance to my place in the universe. I was not a great student and was not popular. I had spent nearly all of my education in small schools with small class sizes. My High School experience was the opposite of everything I had known before.
Moving from class to class at Southfield High School was a chaotic migration with hundreds of students crowding the hallways. Transferring between classes felt like swimming against a tide of oncoming waves of students. Every day I traversed a glass lined hallway connecting two buildings, a bottle-neck that was particularly crowded.
One day like any other, I found myself in a sea of students crossing the glass hallway in both directions. Suddenly I realized that of the hordes of students, literally no one was focused on me. Not a one. Whatever I felt insecure about was not lit up like a neon sign for others to see. They were just trying to get to class on time, and most felt just as insecure as me.
It hit me like lightning: if everyone else was as insecure as me, what did I have to worry about?
Later in my sophomore year, this helped me in the opposite situation to ignore the irrelevant judgments of others.
By this time I started to find my footing in the Debate/Forensics club. Like any extracurricular, the more you time and effort you put in, the more you get out of it. So I was spending more of my free time in the Debate room. Then a (not close) friend confronted me at my locker.
She presented me with an ultimatum. I needed to choose between debate and the sophomore girls that I had hung out with. I replied that I would go on with debate, and would see if they were my real friends. Looking back I am surprised that my 16 year old self had the presence of mind.
What would you have done?
The intervening years have not been free of doubt and self-judgment. Far from it. So this is a life lesson I return to again and again. Fortunately in most cases you get as many opportunities a lesson to learn as you need.
2nd Middle Age is a great time to take this lesson to heart.
Now just as then I understand that most people are unaware of our foibles and flaws. The reality is that virtually no one else cares about my – or your own – insecurities.
It is just another example of the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) adage: Not everything you think is true.
And if it not true, why bother?
What experiences have you had that helped you to overcome negative self-talk and judgment?
What has helped you the most?
Your Second-Middle Age: 